Setting Boundaries: A Quick Guide To Nurturing Your Well-being

We all want strong, loving relationships. But sometimes, we tend to lose ourselves in the process. Let's talk about how setting boundaries can help.

What are Boundaries?

The APA dictionary of psychology defines a boundary as a a psychological demarcation that protects the integrity of an individual or group or that helps the person or group set realistic limits on participation in a relationship or activity.

In essence, boundaries are the limits we set for ourselves in relationships to protect our time, energy, and emotional well-being. They help us define what we are and aren't comfortable with, and communicate those limits to others.

Examples of Boundaries

- Saying no to social invitations when you need time alone 

- Setting limits on how much time you spend on work or social media

- Communicating your emotional needs to a partner or friend

- Establishing physical boundaries, such as deciding who can touch or hug you, and in what contexts. 

Setting Healthy Boundaries

Let's get into how to set healthy boundaries. Here are five ways to begin your boundary setting journey.

1. Communicate Your Needs Clearly: When setting boundaries, it's essential to communicate your needs in a clear and respectful manner. This means being specific and direct about what you are and aren't comfortable with. For example, if you're studying for exams, you might tell your friends, "I'm on a tight study schedule, so I can only hang out on weekends."

2. Establish Boundaries Early On: Don't wait until you're feeling overwhelmed or resentful to set boundaries. Instead, establish them early on in a relationship or situation. This can help prevent constant conflicts and misunderstandings down the line.

3. Use "I" Statements: When communicating your boundaries, use "I" statements instead of "you" statements. This helps to focus on your own feelings and needs, rather than blaming or attacking others. For example, it's better to say "I feel hurt when you interrupt me" rather than "You always interrupt me and that's bad."

4. Set Clear Consequences: When setting boundaries, it's essential to set clear consequences for what will happen if those boundaries are not respected. This can help ensure that others take your boundaries seriously. For example, "If you continue to call me multiple times a day, I will let it go to voicemail."

5. Prioritize Self-Care: Taking care of your physical, emotional, and mental well-being is crucial for setting healthy boundaries. By making time for activities that nourish your mind, body, and soul, you'll become more aware of your needs and better equipped to communicate them to others. 

For instance, taking yourself out to have lunch or going to the spa once every month are great ways of prioritizing self-care.

Types of Boundaries

Boundaries can pop up in various aspects of our lives, and understanding these different types can help us identify areas where we may need to set or adjust our boundaries.

Physical Boundaries

Physical boundaries are important for maintaining physical well-being and safety. This entails paying more attention to the surroundings, taking care of our physical health, and setting limits on physical contact. For instance, you could create a physical limit by:

- Locking your doors and windows to maintain a sense of security

- Setting limits on physical touch, such as hugging or holding hands

- Making time for self-care activities, like exercise or meditation

Emotional Boundaries

This is vital for protecting our emotional well-being and preventing emotional exhaustion. This includes being aware of our emotions, setting limits on emotional labor, and prioritizing self-care. For example:

- Recognizing and expressing your emotions in a healthy way

- Setting limits on how much emotional support you offer to others

- Prioritizing activities that nourish your emotional well-being, such as spending time with loved ones or engaging in hobbies

Mental Boundaries

Mental boundaries define the thoughts, opinions, and beliefs we allow others to influence or access. Establishing mental boundaries is important for maintaining our mental clarity, autonomy, and sense of self. This includes:

- Being discerning about the information you consume and the advice you take.

- Setting limits on how much mental energy you devote to others' problems.

- Prioritizing your own thoughts, opinions, and beliefs.

Digital Boundaries

Digital boundaries refer to the online spaces and digital communication we engage in with others. Examples are social media apps like Facebook, X (formerly known as Twitter) and many more. 

Some tips to setting digital boundaries include:

- Being mindful of your online presence and the information you share

- Setting limits on your screen time and digital communication

- Taking breaks from social media or using website blockers

Time Boundaries

Time boundaries define the time and energy we devote to others and activities. Establishing time boundaries is key for maintaining our work-life balance, productivity, and overall well-being. This includes:

- Focusing on your tasks and commitments

- Setting realistic goals and deadlines

- Leaving space for relaxation and self-care.

Consequences of Not Setting Boundaries

I've been there - feeling drained, depleted, and resentful because I didn't set clear limits. When we don't establish these boundaries, we can become vulnerable to emotional, mental, and physical exhaustion. I've learned the hard way that neglecting our own needs can lead to burnout.

Also without boundaries, we can lose sight of our own needs, desires, and values. We may struggle to say no, assert ourselves, or prioritize our own well-being. This can lead to feelings of frustration, anger, and hopelessness.

Our relationships may also suffer. Unclear or nonexistent boundaries can lead to misunderstandings, conflicts, and strained relationships.

Furthermore, neglecting our own needs and boundaries can lead to chronic stress, anxiety, and depression.

Conclusion

Setting healthy boundaries is a powerful act of self-love and self-care. By prioritizing our own needs and establishing clear limits, we can cultivate more fulfilling relationships, reduce stress and anxiety, and improve our overall well-being.

But what happens when we fail to set these boundaries? Brené Brown sheds light on this:

“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.” – Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection